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Discipline Means to Teach
by B. Bryan Post PhD, LCSW
Question: When does the child learn that not everyone is going to love them through a fit of rage if they aren't taught consequences of actions?
Answer: We need to go beyond this behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress. If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help build his regulatory system. A child kicking and screaming or in a rage is a child who has been "emotionally hijacked." Emotions aren't logical or rational and for a child with deep trauma, this hitting and kicking is the body's natural fear reaction gone awry. This fear response of "fighting for our lives" has been built up at the body level within many of our children.
Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him the emotional space to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to kick and scream will disappear.
Many times our children kick and scream simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can be enough to help them begin to regulate. The life lesson that kicking and screaming is inappropriate does indeed need to be reinforced. But, this life lesson can only happen once the brain is fully regulated and when the child is calm and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to kicking and screaming. This is a way of teaching our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is teaching.
B. Bryan Post PhD, LCSW an internationally recognized expert in the treatment of children and families struggling with issues related to trauma, attachment and bonding is the co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: A love-based approach to he
Comments
lvenmy3babies |
Wed, Jul 23, 2008 12:07pm
I do b/ I dont agree that it is always b/c they are not being listen to. I know Lailah throws a fit b/c I didnt give her what she wanted. I was listening b/ I wasnt going by what she wanted.
If we touch a hot stove, dont we get burned? Its a neg. punishment. the stove punished us and taught us that we dont touch. |
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