Member Search

Return to Pregnancy & Parenting Center main page

Raising Charming Children

by Shauna Smith Duty

At a group picnic, an eight-year-old boy with freckles and gleaming green eyes approached a picnic table where I sat with mothers who chatted about their charming children. Kids scampered around the playground, enjoying the crisp fall day. But this one boy broke free from his pack of buddies and stood at the end of our table. He opened his mouth into a large, perfect cave. Then he exuded a belch, which growled and rumbled as it rolled across the table like a hurricane with the unmistakable odor of tuna fish and garlic in its wake. All the mothers looked his way, but none, including his own, knew how to react. Some squirmed and frowned. One blushed and nibbled her lip. Finally a very peppy mommy smiled and asked if anyone knew the day’s temperature. Chatter rose again as if nothing had happened. The boy’s grin of accomplishment and his mother’s lack of response made me nauseous, or maybe it was the tuna and garlic smell. Either way, I wondered how my grandmother would have reacted.

This isn’t a rare occurrence these days. According to an online poll, 85% of adults surveyed think that Americans don’t have the manners they should. Manners seem to have vanished with the business suit and tie. People act more casual now than they did fifty years ago, and one biporoduct has been the loss of etiquette. Who can reverse this trend? Parents.

Parents have the power to fill the next generation with kind, considerate adults who cheerfully say “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” whenever the occasion requires.

Parents are Mentors
“Fine manners need the support of fine manners in others.” --Ralph Waldo Emerson

According to Cindy Post Senning, great-granddaughter of etiquette guru Emily Post and co-author of The Gift of Good Manners (Harper Collins, 2005), “The three principals for setting the tone in a home are respect, consideration and honesty.” If children are expected to display proper etiquette, parents have to mentor this behavior.

From first table manners, like eating from a spoon, to learning how to make formal introductions and host a dinner party, parents must teach their children manners. They cannot not expect schoolteachers or care givers to instill manners in their children. Etiquette is a way of life that originates in the heart, and parents are in charge of teaching their children family values and other lessons of the heart. Start by creating an environment of respect. “Talk to the family, including baby, with respect,” Senning advises. “And always behave the way you want your child to behave.”

What to Expect
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.” --Emily Post

In The Gift of Good Manners, Senning suggests that the foundation for a child’s life begins when she is born. “You will not actively teach the principals or guidelines of etiquette for several years to come. But from the day she is born, you will be helping your child build her foundations for life.” When a child reaches toddler age, she needs guidance in the art of manners. Some basic toddler etiquette includes learning to share, taking on small responsibilities, and using “please” and “thank you”.

Senning advises parents not to set their expectations for proper behavior too low. “As with any skill, teach manners starting with the simplest elements, then build. A toddler may not be able to sit still through an entire family dinner, so keep a basket of quiet toys in the corner of the dining room. When your toddler is full, allow him to play on the floor while the family finishes the meal. This way, he learns the expectations of eating with the family.”
When working on a specific manners skill with a child, inform caregivers and relatives whom the child may spend time with about the skill. Senning recommends that children, “Practice, practice, practice manners.” This is important even when parents aren’t with their children. At home, maybe you are working on hand washing before meals. Grandparents, teachers, and friends can help your child work on this skill when you aren’t present. Involving caregivers outside the home will teach a child that manners are important all the time.

A Gentle Hand
“Correction does much, but encouragement does more.” --Johann von Goethe

“Never embarrass or humiliate your children by correcting them in public,” Senning says. Parents should display manners even when addressing a child’s inappropriate behavior. Often a loving touch and a warning look can remind a child what’s expected of him. If this does not work, remove the child to a private location and discuss his behavior. “Correcting a child in public is appropriate only when they display hurtful or destructive behavior,” Senning says.

Positive reinforcement can encourage repeated use of good manners. When a child displays proper etiquette in public or private, commend him. Young children want to please their parents, and they thrive on recognition.

Other incentives may include rewards related to the behavior. “For instance,” Senning says, “if your child struggles to keep his elbows off the table, offer a reward of his choice of dessert if he can keep his elbows off the table through an entire meal.” If he fails, offer encouragement, and make the same offer at the next meal. Senning does not recommend paying children for good behavior. She also advises parents, “Be sure to follow through with your promises.”

The Road to Charming Children is Paved With Little Lessons

At the table…
· Place your napkin in your lap, and use it to clean your face as needed. Senning believes that a child’s first napkin is a bib.
· Do not put your elbows on the table. Sit up and show respect during dinner conversation.
· If you need something on the table, do not reach. Instead, say, “Please pass the (insert item).”
· Only speak about pleasant topics at the table.
· If you need to use the restroom or leave the table, ask, “May I please be excused?”
· When finished eating, place your silverware on your plate and your hands in your lap. If parents allow children to leave the table before the meal is over, children should ask to be excused.
· If you must burp or pass gas, excuse yourself and go to the restroom. If you sneeze, turn your head away from the table and use your napkin to cover your mouth, then offer an apology or say, “Please excuse me”.

On the phone…
· Families should determine when a child is old enough to answer the telephone and what the appropriate greeting is for their household. Review this greeting with children to make sure they understand expected behavior.
· Never yell into the phone. If the caller requests someone else, ask him to please hold, then lay the phone down gently and go find the person the caller requested.
· Hold the phone receiver a few inches from your mouth when speaking.
· Always end a conversation by saying, “Good bye.”

At a restaurant…
· Use proper table manners listed above when dining out.
· Never yell, run, stand in chairs, or play at a restaurant.
· Do not reach for items on the server’s tray. Let them serve you.
· Do not talk on a cell phone during a meal. Engage in conversation with other diners at your table.
· If a child needs something, she should ask a parent. Children should not order items for themselves without permission.
· Treat the server with respect, saying “please” and “thank you”. When addressing a server, make eye contact.

In the car, bus, plane, or theatre…
· Do not yell, throw things, or kick the seat in a car.
· Respect the space of others. Children can pretend to have an imaginary bubble or hula-hoop around them so they do not invade the personal space of others.
· Speak using inside voices.

When we’re bored…
· Do not heavy sigh or make obnoxious sounds when you are bored.
· Wait in line or in a chair patiently. Children can play quiet thinking games like spelling the alphabet from signs or a magazine, or classic favorites like “I Spy” and “Categories”.
· Do not invade others’ personal space.
· Remember that, like you, other people may not enjoy waiting. Make their wait pleasant by not grumbling or complaining.

Meeting new people…
· Senning explains that young children may be shy when meeting new people. If they hide behind a parent’s legs, do not worry. Model appropriate behavior, and over time, your child will too.
· Introduce yourself by saying, “My name is (insert name). It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
· Initiate conversation that is not about you. Ask the new acquaintance a general question to find a common interest, then you will have a topic to discuss.
· In a group, do not make anyone feel left out. Involve everyone in the dialogue.
· If you are introducing two people, introduce the younger person to the older person, then reverse. For example, “Grandma, I would like you to meet my friend, Samantha. Samantha, this is my grandmother, Mrs. Jones.” If you know of a common interest, mention it. “Grandma, Samantha plays the violin, and I know you enjoy the symphony.”
· Do not turn your back on the person you are speaking to or invade his personal space. Make eye contact when speaking.

Lifelong Benefits
“Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” --Clarence Thomas

Instilling manners in children can benefit them for years to come in marriage, parenting, business, and in their communities. Mannerly people are likable people usually, because manners signify self-confidence and respect for others. Proper etiquette can win jobs, attract friends, and influence others.
Like brushing teeth and tying shoes, manners must be taught. Children don’t inherently act charming. They must be trained, mentored, and disciplined in the fine art of etiquette, and this is the parents’ responsibility. Don’t know where to start? The Gift of Good Manners provides parents advice for teaching manners to children from birth through the teen years. Boy and Girl Scouts of America base their teachings on community service and good citizenship. Charm schools help older children acquire formal manners for entertaining, business, and other social settings.

If parents want to reverse the statistics and build a better community for their children and grandchildren, they must start at home. Raising charming children can be frustrating and daunting, but the rewards are immeasurable, for both the child and the community in which he lives.

3 Comments

CAV_Mod	Fri, Mar 17, 2006 5:38pm How are you developing a child with manners? Do have horror stories of other children being raised with no manners or respect? Let us know. Share your stories.
amandale	Thu, Oct 09, 2008 8:30pm Nhi says less than 20 words, and Thank You is one (well 2) of them. I am turned off when I see kids with no manners....if a 5 year old has no respect and acts like a fool, what will they be like as a 15 year old???
lilboyblue	Fri, Apr 21, 2006 10:21am My son is a lil charmer. He blesses you when you sneeze. Says thank you when you bless him and thanks you when you do something for him. It's all how you raise your children.

Post Your Comment -- registered users only, click here to register
(please do not include a link or url to a website that you are promoting)

Return to Pregnancy & Parenting Center main page